Era la peor manera en que una perso

Era la peor manera en que una persona podía despedirse de ti luego de todo lo vivido. Un "lo siento" en lugar de un "te quiero". Me sorprendió haberle hecho frente cuando me sentía tan destrozado por dentro. Salió por fin del departamento y dejé ir todo mi llanto. Me desplomé sobre mis rodillas y luego me tumbé sobre el piso, ahogándome en mi llanto. Era patético. Ya no volvería a verlo. Senpai estaría al lado de una mujer, su mujer, rodeado por sus hijos y podría apostar que sería muy feliz. Ese pensamiento era suficiente para hacerme más daño. Las imágenes en mi cabeza de una familia feliz eran un suplicio. Pasé horas llorando en el suelo hasta quedar dormido y por la mañana solo me giré pero no me levanté, no tenía las fuerzas necesarias. Jamás me había sentido tan débil o que respirar resultara una tarea imposible.

Otra vez terminaba con el corazón hecho pedazos.

- ¿Qué debo hacer ahora?

El tiempo se me fue como agua entre las manos y nuevamente anocheció. Pasar tanto tiempo en el duro piso había lastimado un poco mi espalda y ahora esperaba no pescar un resfriado aunque era lo que menos me importaba. Miré por un tiempo el techo del departamento, ese era un lugar demasiado grande para mí.

- Lo primero es pedir mi cambio de la universidad, puedo arreglármelas en Hamatatsu y después…

Empecé a enlistar en mi mente el rumbo que debía tomar mi vida. Convertí mis ideas en acciones y luego de dos días me fui. Regresaría después a empacar todo, la renta del departamento cubría un mes más y tenía ese tiempo para regresar por mis demás cosas. No tenía prisa y quería dejar pasar tiempo antes de regresar.

La facultad en Hamatatsu no estaba nada mal, intentaba acostumbrarme pero seguía siendo todo un reto. En esta ocasión no me dejé llevar por mis bajos instintos, no quería una nueva relación, ni siquiera una casual de una noche. No estaba listo para ese tipo de contacto con alguien más. Pasé deprimido tres semanas hasta que tomé valor para regresar a Nagoya pero tan pronto subí al tren quería bajarme. El trayecto no fue fácil de soportar pero tampoco fue imposible. Cuando me bajé y respiré el aire de la ciudad sentí nostalgia, sentimientos me invadían y no quería quebrarme a medio camino. Me impresioné cuando llegué y vi todo el departamento desordenado.

- Así que… Senpai estuvo aquí.

Apreté mis ojos y fruncí mi ceño con melancolía. No había duda, esa era su marca personal, tal vez quería averiguar a donde me había ido pero era una lástima porque yo no estaba dispuesto a contactarlo. No podía crearme una falsa esperanza, ya había caído desde tan alto y comenzaba a levantarme, no quería volver a caer. Inicié a empacar todo, mis cosas y las de él. No pude controlarme y cuando tomé una de sus camisas la estrujé como en un abrazo.

- T-todavía conserva el olor de su perfume.

La lancé dentro de una caja y la cerré. No era sencillo dejar ir tantos recuerdos y un sentimiento tan intenso que todavía, al recordar, me provocaba mariposas en el estómago como la primera vez. Quería callar los gritos en mi corazón que me pedían que corriera a sus brazos, eso no era posible.

- "Pero vino a buscarte… significa que todavía le importas, se preocupa por ti"

No, no podía dejarme engañar. Lo que Senpai quería era un amigo y lo que yo quería era un amante. Apilé todas sus cajas con tristeza, a eso se había reducido todo. No quería verlo porque en esta ocasión no estaba seguro de poder enfrentarlo así que envié sus cosas por correo.

Quise ser entusiasta y pensar que mi vida cambiaría para bien… pero no sería así.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Pasó un año. Un año en el que actué como robot, en el que mis sentimientos me traicionaron y no hacía otra cosa que deprimirme al llegar a mi departamento. Convivía muy poco con mis compañeros y me volví más reservado. No quería que nadie nuevo entrara a mi vida a lastimarme. Era muy cuidadoso en las conversaciones y no hablaba sobre mi persona. Mi vida privada quedó en eso, privado, ahora nadie podía entrar en ella. Tanto mujeres como hombres se acercaron con la intención de iniciar una relación seria pero yo los rechacé a todos, alguien se mantenía en mi corazón muy bien escondido.

- "El sentimiento siempre estuvo ahí… si tan solo, si solo no fueras un hombre, yo…"

Se recrearon una y mil veces esas palabras en mis sueños, en mis pesadillas. Nunca me había sentido tan poco siendo un hombre, no había sido suficiente para la persona que amaba.

- Él debe estar ahora junto a una linda novia…

Mi corazón se estremeció y cerré mis ojos. No podía arrancarlo de mi corazón pues se había incrustado demasiado profundo para sacarlo. Una enfermedad que me invadía, se propagaba y debilitaba cada vez más mi carácter.

- Sabía que lo mejor era haberme ido cuando me lo propuse.

Luego de lo que vivimos me enamoré de todo él; su cuerpo, su personalidad, su esencia y sola presencia ¿Cómo podía continuar con mi vida amándolo de esta manera que lastima? Le regalé mi corazón y nunca pedí su devolución, era solamente suyo. Parte de su corazón sería siempre mío.

Una idea, no solo estúpida, sino alocada se presentó en mis pensamientos.

- "Si solo no fueras un hombre…"

No podía creer lo poca cosa que me sentía, estos meses de soledad y profunda tristeza estaban afectando mi buen juicio. Estando en mi cama lo medité por varias noches. Giré de un lado a otro pensando en si hacer algo tan arriesgado valía realmente la pena, si era lo que me traería la felicidad. Algunos sueños me atormentaron mostrándome los posibles futuros de esa decisión. Observé con frialdad mi cuerpo, ¿podía cambiar todo lo que soy por quién amo?

- Senpai cambio en gran medida por mi culpa… se obligó a hacer cosas que le disgustaban para mantenerme a su lado, al menos hasta que le fue posible.

Innumerables veces lo critiqué por su falta de disposición para conmigo pero ¿estaba haciendo lo mismo por él? Lo presioné una y otra vez, es cierto que fue doloroso para mí, pero nunca hice un verdadero sacrificio para que funcionara.

Yo no cambié.

- Aunque conozca su sueño… yo no puedo cumplirlo.

¿Era eso un impedimento para luchar por él, por nuestro amor? Incluso las familiar normales no llegaban a tener descendencia por un sinfín de razones. Mentir sería el peor de mis pecados pero viviendo con él por suficiente tiempo lograría crear una verdad para ambos.

- No puedo creer que después de tantos meses lo siga considerando…

Los sueños dejaron de ser un tormento y tenían un mejor final, quizá ese podía ser mi final. Enamorarme una vez más de los ojos miel que me hipnotizaron sería como volver a sentir ese cosquilleó en el estómago que también embriagaba mi corazón, una hermosa ilusión. Vivir eternamente en ese amor de verano parecía algo lejano, descabellado, inalcanzable.

- Yo también estoy en mi derecho de enamorarlo como él me enamoró a mí.

Proclamé un canto de guerra con inseguridad pero lleno de esperanza. Las dudas y miedos comenzaron a ser cosa del pasado y estaba dispuesto a enfrentar mi nueva vida. Fueron meses de consultas médicas y terapias. Tenía que estar seguro y recibir el tratamiento adecuado; emprender este nuevo pasaje en mi vida no era sencillo. Mantuve mi decisión secreta de mis conocidos y compañeros de trabajo. Él día de mi renuncia a la farmacéutica todos quedaron impactados, fue inesperado para todos y algunos se molestaron por no contarles mis problemas para que pudieran ayudarme. Yo lo planeé desde semanas atrás pero no quería que nada ni nadie se interpusieran en mi camino. Usé mis ahorros a consciencia y organicé todo metódicamente tomando en cuenta cualquier imprevisto que pudiera surgir.

Por el tiempo que quedaba trabajé como mesero para mantenerme ocupado, seguir recibiendo ingresos y pagar las cuentas sin tener que usar el otro dinero. Esperé hasta mi graduación de la maestría, al día siguiente ya no sería el mismo.

Ahora yo cambiaría por él, por nosotros.

- Morinaga-san le pido por favor que pase a su habitación. La enfermera estará con usted en unos minutos para darle las últimas indicaciones previas a la cirugía.

Kết quả (Anh) 1:

It was the worst way in which a person could say goodbye to you after all lived. A "sorry" instead of an "I love you". Surprised have you faced when I felt so broken inside. He finally left the Department and I let go all my tears. I fell on my knees and I then lay on the floor, me drowning in my tears. It was pathetic. Already you would not see it. Senpai would be next to a woman, his wife, surrounded by their children and could bet that he would be very happy. That thought was enough to make me more damage. The images in my head of a happy family were an ordeal. I spent hours crying in the ground to fall asleep and in the morning I turned I just but not I woke up, I didn't have the necessary forces. I had never felt so weak or that breathing is an impossible task.Again he finished with the Heartland made pieces.-What should I do now?Time left me like water between the hands and once again evening. Spending so much time on the hard floor had hurt my back a little and now expected to not catch a cold even though it was what I cared less. I looked at the ceiling of the Department for a time, that was a place too big for me.-The first is to ask my change of the University, I can fix them in Hamatatsu and then...I started to enlist the direction in which to take my life in my mind. I converted my ideas into action and after two days I went. He would later return to pack everything, the income of the Department covered one month and had that time to return for my other things. I didn't hurry and want to let time before returning.Faculty in Hamatatsu was not bad, tried to get used to but remained a challenge. This time I didn't let me my low instincts, he did not want a new relationship, even a casual one night. I wasn't ready for that kind of contact with someone else. I spent depressed three weeks until I took value to return to Nagoya but as soon I got on the train I wanted to get out. The journey was not easy bear but was not impossible. When I got off and took a breath the air of the city I felt nostalgia, feelings I invaded and did not want to break me halfway. I was very impressed when I arrived and saw all the messy Department.-So... Senpai was here.I squeezed my eyes and fruncí my frown with melancholy. There was no doubt, that was your personal brand, maybe you wanted to find out where I had gone but it was a pity because I was not willing to contact you. It could not create me a false hope had already fallen so high began to get up, and I didn't want to fall back. I started to pack everything, my things, and it. I could not control myself and when I took one of your shirts estrujé it as in a hug.-T-still retains the smell of her perfume.I threw it in a box and closed it. It wasn't easy to let go so many memories and a feeling so intense that yet, remember, it caused me butterflies in the stomach as the first time. I wanted to silence the cries in my heart that asked me to run to their arms, that wasn't possible.-"But came to find you... means you still care you, cares about you"No, I could not stop me fool. Senpai wanted was a friend, and what I wanted was a lover. I apilé all their boxes with sadness, that everything had been reduced. I didn't see it because this time I wasn't sure to face it so I mailed your things.I wanted to be enthusiastic and thinking that my life would change for the better... but would not be so.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-He spent a year. A year in which I acted as a robot, that I betrayed my feelings and he did another thing that depress me arriving at my Department. Lived very little with my colleagues and I became quieter. He didn't let nobody new enter my life to hurt me. He was very careful about the talks and did not speak about my person. My private life was that, private, now no one could get into it. Both women and men approached with the intention to begin a serious relationship, but I refused them all, someone was in my very well-hidden heart.-"The feeling was always there... If only, if only you weren't a man, I..."It recreated a thousand times these words in my dreams, into my nightmares. I had never felt so little being a man, he was not sufficient for the person he loved.-It must be now with a cute girlfriend...My heart shuddered and I closed my eyes. I could not start it my heart as it had embedded too deeply to remove. A disease that came over me, spread and increasingly weakened my character.-I knew that it was best to have me gone when I decided it.After what we live I fell in love with the whole; your body, your personality, its essence and presence how could it continue with my life to loving him thus hurting? I gave you my heart and I never asked for its return, was only his. Part of his heart would always be mine.An idea, not only stupid, but crazy was presented in my thoughts.-"If you were just not a man..."You could not believe the little thing that I felt, the months of loneliness and deep sadness were affecting my judgment. Being in my bed I thought it for several nights. I turned from one side to another wondering if do something so risky worth really worth it, if it was what would bring me happiness. Some dreams I tormented showing me the possible future of this decision. I watched my body with coldness, could change all that I am who love you?-Senpai change largely by my fault... forced to do things that disgusted him to keep me on your side, at least until it was possible.Countless times criticized for its lack of provision for me but I was doing the same thing by it? Press it again and again, it is true that it was painful for me, but I never made a real sacrifice to make it work.I not changed.-Even though you know your sleep... I can not fulfill it.Was that an impediment to fight for it, by our love? Even the normal family they failed to have children for a myriad of reasons. Lying would be the worst of my sins but living with it for long enough would create a truth to both.-I can't believe that after so many months continue considering it...Dreams ceased to be a torment and had a best finish, maybe that could be my end. Fall in love again eyes honey that mesmerized me would be like return to feel that tickled in the stomach that also intoxicated my heart, a beautiful illusion. Live forever in that summer love seemed something far away, preposterous, unattainable.-I too am in my right to fall in love with it as it I fell in love with me.I proclaimed a song of war with insecurity but full of hope. Doubts and fears began to be a thing of the past and he was prepared to face my new life. They were months of medical consultations and therapies. I had to be sure and receive adequate treatment; undertake this new passage in my life was not simple. I kept my secret decision of my acquaintances and coworkers. The day of my resignation to the pharmaceutical all were impacted, it was unexpected for all and some are bothered by not tell you my problems so that they could help me. I planned it since weeks ago but didn't that nothing and no one are lodged in my path. I used my savings to consciousness and organized everything methodically taking into account any unforeseen event that may arise.By the time that was worked as a waiter to keep me busy, continue to receive income and pay bills without having to use other money. I waited until my graduation from the master, the next day it would not the same.Now I would change for him, for us.-Morinaga-san I ask please turn to your room. The nurse will be with you in a few minutes to give the latest indications prior to the surgery.

Kết quả (Anh) 2:

It was the worst way a person could then say goodbye to you with all the experience. A "sorry" instead of "I love you". I was surprised when I faced him I felt so broken inside. He finally left the department and I let go of all my tears. I collapsed to my knees and then lay down on the floor, drowning in my tears. It was pathetic. No longer see him again. Senpai would be next to a woman, his wife, surrounded by his children and would bet that would be very happy. That thought was enough to make me more damage. The images in my head of a happy family was an ordeal. I spent hours crying on the floor until he was asleep and in the morning just turned me but did not get up, did not have the necessary forces. I had never felt so weak or breathing prove an impossible task. Again end with a broken heart. - What should I do now? The time I was like water in his hands and again nightfall. Spend as much time on the hard floor had hurt my back a little and now hoped not catch a cold even though it was what I cared less. I looked for a while the roof of the department, this was a place too big for me. - The first is to ask for my change of college, can manage in Hamatatsu and then ... I started to enlist in my mind the direction I should take my life. I turned my ideas into action and after two days I left. Then return to pack everything, covering income department a month and had the time to go back for my other things. He was in no hurry and wanted to pass time before returning. The faculty in Hamatatsu was not bad, trying to get used to but it was still a challenge. This time I left not driven by my instincts, did not want a new relationship, even a casual one night. He was not ready for that kind of contact with someone else. I spent three weeks depressed until I took courage to return to Nagoya but as soon boarded the train wanted to get off. The journey was not easy to bear but it was not impossible. When I went down and breathed the air of the city I felt nostalgia, feeling invaded me and would not break me halfway. I was impressed when I arrived and saw all the messy apartment. - So ... Senpai was here. I squeezed my eyes and I frowned wistfully. No doubt, that was his trademark, perhaps wanted to find out where he had gone but it was a shame because I was not willing to contact him. He could not create me false hope, it had fallen from so high and began to get up, did not want to fall again. I started to pack all my things and him. I could not control myself and when I took one of his shirts the crumpled like a hug. - T-still retains the scent of her perfume. I threw it in a box and closed it. It was not easy to let go of so many memories and so intense feeling that still, remembering, caused me butterflies in my stomach as the first time. He wanted to silence the cries in my heart calling me to run into his arms, that was not possible. - "But came looking ... it means you still care about you, cares for you," No, I could not be fooled. What Senpai wanted was a friend and I wanted a lover. I piled all their boxes with sadness, that had dropped to everything. Do not want to see him because this time he was not sure he could cope so I sent her things in the mail. I wanted to be enthusiastic and to think that my life would change for the better ... but it would not. -.-.-.-.-.-. -.-.-.- A year passed. A year in which I acted as a robot, in which my feelings betrayed me and did nothing to get depressed when you get to my apartment. I lived very little with my classmates and I became more reserved. I do not want anyone new come into my life to hurt me. He was very careful in the talks and spoke about me. My private life remained just that, private, now no one could enter. Both women and men approached with the intention of starting a serious relationship but I rejected them all, someone stood on my well hidden heart. - "The feeling was always there ... if only, if only you were not a man, I ... " those words were recreated a thousand times in my dreams, my nightmares. I had never felt so little being a man, it was not enough for the person he loved. - He should now be next to a cute girlfriend ... My heart shuddered and closed my eyes. I could not pull my heart it was embedded too deep to remove. A disease that came over me was spreading and increasingly weakened my character. - I knew it was better having gone when I proposed. After what we experienced I fell in love all over it; your body, your personality, your essence and presence alone How could continue my life loving thus hurting? I gave my heart and never asked for its return, it was only his. Part of his heart would always be mine. One idea, not only stupid, but mad he appeared in my thoughts. - "If only you were not a man ..." could not believe what little thing I felt these months of solitude and sadness They were affecting my judgment. I lay on my bed I meditated for several nights. I turned from side to side thinking about doing something so risky if really worth it, if it was what would bring me happiness. Some dreams tormented by showing me the possible future of that decision. I stared coldly my body, I could change all that I am to who I love? -. Senpai change largely my fault ... he was forced to do things that he disliked to stay beside her, at least until he could Countless I sometimes criticized for their unwillingness to me but I was doing the same for him? I pressed him again and again, it is true that it was painful for me, but never made ​​a real sacrifice for it to work. I did not change. - Even if you know your dream ... I can not fulfill it. Was that an impediment to fight for him, for love? Even normal family failed to get offspring for a number of reasons. Lying is the worst of my sins but living with him long enough to create a truth achieved for both. - I can not believe that after so many months still be considered ... The dreams stopped being a torment and had a better ending, maybe that could be my end. Fall in love once again hypnotized eyes honey I would like to feel that tingling in my stomach that also intoxicated my heart, a beautiful illusion. Live eternally in that love summer seemed distant, unreasonable, unattainable. - I am also in my right as he love him love me. proclaimed a war chant with insecurity but hopeful. The doubts and fears began to be a thing of the past and was ready to face my new life. It was months of medical consultations and therapies. He had to be sure and get appropriate treatment; undertake this new passage in my life was not easy. I kept my secret decision of my acquaintances and colleagues. On my resignation to the pharmaceutical everybody was shocked, it was unexpected for everyone and some were bothered by not telling my problems so they could help me. I planned from weeks ago but did not want anyone or anything to stand in my way. I used my savings to consciousness and organized everything methodically taking into account any problems that may arise. By the time I worked as a waiter was to keep me busy, continue to receive income and pay bills without having to use other money. I waited until my graduation from the master, the next day it would not be the same. Now I would change for him, for us. - Morinaga-san I ask you to please pass your room. The nurse will be with you in a few minutes to give you the latest before surgery indications.

Kết quả (Anh) 3:

It was the worst Way a person could say goodbye after all you experienced. A "Sorry" instead of "I Love You". I was surprised I faced when I felt so torn up inside. Finally left the Department and let go of all my crying. I drop to my knees and then I lay down on the floor, Drowning In My Tears. It was pathetic. I'd never see him again.Senpai would be next to a woman, his wife, surrounded by their children and could Bet would be very happy. That thought was enough to make me More miserable. The images in my head of a happy family were a Torment. I spent hours Crying on the floor to sleep and in the morning I woke up but I just did not have the necessary Strength.I've never felt so weak or Breathing is an impossible task.

again ended with a Broken Heart. - What should I do now?

the time I was like water between hands and again after dark. Spend so much time on the Hard Floor had Hurt My Back a little and now I Don't Catch a Cold, although it was the last thing on my mind.I looked for a while on the roof of the apartment, a place that was too big for me

- first we ask for Change of my University, I can manage in hamatatsu

and then... My mind began to enlist in the direction that I should take my life. Turned My ideas into Action and after two days I went. Return after Packing everything,The income of the Department over a month and had this time to come back for my stuff. Not in a hurry to leave and spend time before returning.
the faculty in hamatatsu was not bad, I used but remained a Challenge. On this occasion, I took my Baser Instincts, do not want a New relationship, even a casual one night.I wasn't ready for that kind of contact with someone more depressed. I spent three weeks until I took Courage to return to Nagoya but I wanted to get out as soon as I got on the train. The journey was not easy to endure, but it was not impossible. When I got off and Breathed the air of the City felt nostalgia Feelings invaded me, and I didn't want to break down Halfway.I was impressed when I arrived and saw the entire Department Disorderly.
-

senpai... Was here. I squeezed My Eyes and my frown with Melancholy ". There is no doubt, that was his Trademark, maybe I wanted to find out where I had gone but it was a pity because I was not willing to contact you. Could not create a False Hope, it had fallen from So High and began to get up,I didn't want to Fall Again. I started to Pack All my things and of him. I couldn't Control Myself And when I took one of his shirts I squeezed out like a Hug.

- T - still has the smell of her perfume.

I threw it in a Box and closed. It was not easy to let go of Memories and A Feeling so intense yet, remember, I had Butterflies In My stomach as the first time.